


Before The Storm

by ank03130313



Series: Where You Are [Johnten] [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Canon Compliant, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten & Suh Youngho | Johnny Are Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance, and idiots, fr tho, johnny being an aquarius, johnten being in love, probably mature content, ten being a pisces
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:34:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29587296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ank03130313/pseuds/ank03130313
Summary: A prequel to "Where You Are", or how Johnny & Ten ended up running away, leaving everything they had.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: Where You Are [Johnten] [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2173626
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Every. Damn. Time.

**Author's Note:**

> The whole thing was supposed to be a one-shot, but it turns out it's way too long and works better as seperate chapters. So here's the prequel to my one shot "Where You Are", Before The Storm.

When do things actually shift ? 

How to describe this moment, this second when you know you just took a step in the other direction. You can also say that if you keep on walking near the precipice you inevitably end up falling into it, but it felt more like I had thrown myself in it. If I had to describe my relationship with him, before the storm, I would describe it like this. A precipice, an immense cliff on the edge of which we were both walking. But for some reason, nothing ever happened. I think that one of those reasons why nothing ever happened is that I just never thought about it, it never crossed my mind. Maybe because I knew, deep down, where it would lead me. Or maybe it's because I'm completely dumb. Or maybe both. I don't know why that night I thought about it. Not in the silence and privacy of my room, where I could tell myself that no one had to know what I was thinking. That evening, it was written all over my face, and it became painfully obvious to me as well. My heart was beating, pulsing through my veins, as I was realizing that I was actively trying _not_ to look at him like it could kill me or something like that. There were so many people in the restaurant, we had booked an entire floor just for the group and the managers, I felt like I was suffocating. He was sitting across from me, talking with Mark and Jungwoo, with that kind of effervescent joy that is peculiar to him. His bubbly little face sparkling under the topaz lights of the restaurant that made his skin looked like honey, his voice echoing among the dozens of other voices, like a little bell tinkling. And terribly, dramatically, insanely beautiful. Still, there was nothing different from usual. He has always been like that, he's always been captivating, and I, as his best friend, have always been proud of him, of the fact that he's standing next to me. Me and not somebody else. So why ? Why now and not earlier ? I have no idea. But I remember very clearly what my thoughts told me at that on the moment. In my head, it echoed above the deafening noise of people talking.

_I wonder what it feels like to grow up being that beautiful._

I stepped out of the social sphere for a moment, leaning back on my chair, looking into space. Staring into his eyes that were running away from me, searching him there somehow. I was not smiling, I had no particular expression, everything happened inside of my brain. I felt like a little boy who had just done something stupid, I knew what I had done. I knew my thought was not innocent, I knew that by "beautiful" I meant _beautiful_. Beautiful as in... as in...  
“Earth is calling Johnny.”  
“Huh ?” , Doyoung was looking at me, slightly annoyed.  
“Are you listening when I'm talking to you ?”  
“Excuse me.”  
“Are you drunk already ?” , Ten said, a playful sheen in his eyes. Oh, I knew that look already, he looks at me like that all the damn time. But this time, it killed me right away and I think it showed a little bit. A little bit too much.  
“Yeah... I think”  
“Wait, actually ?” , Ten said, surprised. I mean, Mark was zoning out already, but I was supposed to handle alcohol a little bit better than him. Soon, he returned to lose himself in the very weird conversation he was having with Jungwoo and Mark for the past twenty minutes.  
“Hey, are you okay ?”, Doyoung asked again.  
“Yeah, I'm just tired.”  
“You can go home if you really feel tired.”  
“That's rude.”  
“We're not strangers, it's fine. I understand.” , he insisted, out of genuine kindness like he always does.  
“Hm... I'll see. If I really feel bad I'll go home.” , I didn't wanted to go home, in fact, I was going somewhere I didn't wanted to go. It's the kind of thing you think you get rid of when you get out of high school, when truth is, you don't. I'm not the jealous type, right ? Really not. I have too much pride for this bullshit, so whenever it happens to me... well, it looks bad on me. It looks really bad. To put it plainly, I look pathetic. Yet I knew very well that nothing was happening at that moment, they were just talking, as they often do. I had never been worried about this before, could Ten get bored of me ? I had never asked myself this question, because since we know each other, it's a kind of rule, an unspoken but established fact, Ten loves me. That's what I told myself when I started to doubt, he loves me. In every little thing he does when I'm around, from the fact that we're drawn to each other like magnets to the way he looks at me, everybody knows it, he loves me. A tiny smile started to spread across my face, subconsciously, like it often happens to me when I think about it. He loves me, _it's so obvious he does._ All of a sudden, I felt euphoric, thinking about it, just knowing that he loves me. And then, the euphoria disappeared immediately. In a quick and almost invisible movement, something split the room in two. Reality had just hit me, really, really hard.

_Oh shit... does he ?  
Does he actually ?..._

And in literally one second, everything I had just thought about that made me unreasonably happy a few seconds ago, it was all rewinding in my head in the other way. Every little thing he does, every time he's somewhere, I'm near, whether it be literally here or not. Everytime he looks at me, it shows. It shows, oh god, it does. _Oh shit, it does._  
You know, when I say I felt like a clown, I mean, literally, a clown. I felt like someone had just put a flashing sign on my face saying "THAT'S LOVE DUMBASS !" I felt naked, awfully exposed and vulnerable, completely fucking lost. And all of this happened in 5 seconds. The time for me to understand what was going on, to let the questions fly through my head and turning me into a totally dumbfounded, overwhelmed & scared little mess. Our knees touched under the table, he wasn't even looking at me, I felt like I was going to collapse.  
«John. John ! »  
«Why are you yelling for ?! »  
«Because he's not listening ! » , I turned around suddenly, seeing Doyoung and Haechan apparently fighting, realizing it was about me. «You look like you saw death, dude. You should go home. » , Doyoung said.  
«I'm tired too anyway, I think I'm gonna leave. » , Mark said as he stopped talking with Ten, they both turned their heads towards us. I wanted to disappear. «I think I'm gonna throw up if I stay. » , Mark said, crossing his arms.  
«Oh god, don't. » , Ten replied, laughing. «You two are going home ? » , he asked with his little puppy eyes.  
«Well, do you want Mark to throw up ? » , I said, trying to relax a little bit even though I couldn't.  
«Negative. » , he answered right away. «Okay then... call me when you get home. » , he said after a little while, as we were about to get up to leave.  
«Sure, I'll call you. » , _sure Ten, I'll call you._

Are you surprised if I say, I didn't called him ? Well, Mark called him for me to tell him that we were home. Then he almost dropped his phone in the toilet, knowing him he might not even have noticed and flushed the toilet. Mark often brings me with him when he know he's going to drink, because ... well, he can't handle alcohol at all, to be clear. So, as pathetic as the situation was, I was used to it and I would even say it was helping me to think about something else. You know, making sure that he doesn't hurt himself with a teaspoon or some other inoffensive things that suddenly turns deadly dangerous when you put it between his hands.  
«What's up dude ? »  
«Nothing ? » , he snorted then laughed at me, before letting himself fall heavily on the couch.  
«Come on. »  
«I'm just a bit drunk. »  
«You're not DRUNK ! You're pissed off. » , see Mark is an honest person. He's also very kind, so he often tries to be nice and not too straightforward, but not when he's drunk. «You can't lie to me. You look like you're gonna punch someone. », he started this sentence being extremely serious then ended it laughing like an idiot. «What's going on ? » , standing in the kitchen, I looked around as if someone was going to come and surprise us. I started to think, was it really worth it ? Actually, I think I was more afraid of him telling me that I was going too far and that there was nothing weird at all. I took a deep breath, he was still staring at me, waiting for an answer. The words fell from my mouth all at once.  
«Can I... », I paused.  
«Yes you can. What's going on ? »  
«But like... you have to keep it secret. »  
« Did I ever betrayed you ? »  
«No, but when I mean don't say it to anyone, I mean ANYONE. Okay, not even Yuta, no one. »  
«No one. I got it. » , when Mark say something, I know I can trust him. I just know it. So, carefully, I walked to the couch, and sat in front of him. My hands were shaking like I was fucking 12 years old, that was almost laughable.  
«I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly. » , he nodded silently. «Do you think... that .. Ten.. » , I paused for a second, and looked up at him, he was still staring, without any expression. «Do you think he's looking at me...in some type of way ? » , I felt almost shameful, just saying that. It looked like I had just confessed something really bad, and his reaction didn't helped. He raised an eyebrow, pinched his lips like he always does when he's thinking, and he knew I knew it was enough as an answer. The silence answered for him before he even spoke, but for some reasons, after a little while that felt like hours, he finally said :   
«I have no idea. » , a very honest answer for a very honest person. That totally looks like him to answer this type of ultra-vague shit at a very important question.  
«Fine. »  
«I really don't know. »  
«If it was no you would have said no. »  
«Yeah... but the thing is I don't really pay attention to it. You know I'm bad at noticing this type of stuff... » , I wanted to say something, but the words left my mouth, I couldn't figure out what I was wanted to say. I was staring at my feet, even more confused than before.  
«Do you feel like he's... I don't know, trying to- »  
«No he's not. That's the matter. He's not trying, he's just... existing in front of me. » , _and it makes me lose my shit_ , I wanted to say. But I didn't. «Hum... I see. »  
«You know you're not helping me, right ? »  
«Tell me if I'm wrong, but he has a boyfriend doesn't he ? Or am I saying total bullshit ? », oh, yeah, I had forgotten that he was indeed sort of dating that dude.  
«Yeah.. »  
«But ? »  
«Well... he's not really dating seriously. He never really dated anyone... he just doesn't like saying he's having a one night stand, you know him. »  
«Huh, yeah. He never said he was in love ? »  
«Nope. Not to me. »  
«He would have said it to you first, I think. »  
«I know... » , I admitted. We both sat there, silent, for a little while, without ever looking at each other. I could see Mark was thinking, and it was stressing me out.  
«Who's his boyfriend already ? » , Mark asked suddenly.  
«Huh... some dude from the management. »  
«Really ? »  
«Yeah. »  
«Oh... », he said, giggling while awkwardly staring at me.  
«What ? »  
«I see. » , he was trying so hard not to laugh, with his daring little look and his arms crossed, I mean, I'm used to it. But in this context, I wasn't exactly patient like I usually am. «Are you jealous ? »  
«Excuse me ?! »  
«Dude, that face you made talking about his boyfriend... »  
«He's not even his boyfriend ! » , I hissed, slightly annoyed. But I calmed down very quickly, unfortunately too late, since I had already exposed myself in the most stupid way. «Because I don't like him it doesn't mean I'm jealous. »  
«True. But you like everyone. »  
«Well, not him. We all have someone we don't like. »  
«You asked for honesty, I'll give you that then. It looks like it's stressing you more than it should, if you know what I mean. »  
«Do you mean that I should ask him ? Oh Ten, BY THE WAY, are you in love with me or n- » , I stopped in the middle of my sentence, hearing coming from the hallway several voices echoing, including one I recognized immediately.  
«Oh... they're here ? » , Mark asked.  
«We're home. » , Doyoung's voice raised in the living room, they probably didn't wanted to turn on the light. 

_Ten._

When I was talking about magnets, that's the kind of thing I meant. A laugh at the end of a hallway filled with twenty people is enough for me to recognize him, anywhere. And at that moment I couldn't quit decide if that was scaring me out or not.  
«Ten is here ? » , I asked as they were all coming down the hall. He was standing in the doorway, he hadn't come in. He still had his shoes and coat on, he was happily smiling, probably reminiscing a silly joke or something like that, holding a cigarette in his hand. When he saw me, he made a little sign for me to come. The way he was standing, it looked like he was waiting for someone at some train station. Quietly, I slipped out, putting my shoes on in the hallway, then closed the door behind me.  
«Hey. » , he said with a smile, hanging me the cigarette he was holding, with another one between his lips.  
«Hey. »  
«You didn't called me ? » , he was teasing, he's always teasing. We both started to walk, going down the stairs to get to the parking lot behind our building.  
«Like you care. » , I replied with the same passive-agressive, teasing tone. Ten loves it when I play with him, you know.  
«Why would I ? » , he glanced quickly at me, his tone seemed agressive but his eyes were all smiling, curving like moon crescents. Once downstairs, he opened the door, and leaned against the wall of the entrance, then lit his cigarette. He breathed in once, before looking up at me, still silent. « Come here. » , he finally said, then he lit up mine. I guess I should have stepped back and leaned against the opposite wall, but I didn't. Instead, I sat on the low wall next to him, unconsciously trying to escape his gaze, which is something I was absolutely never doing.  
«You're okay ? » , and of course, of course, he noticed it.  
«Tired. » , he exhaled again, once or twice, then eventually sat down next to me, leaning his head on my shoulder. I could still smell his perfume mixed with the scent of alcohol and tobacco evaporating, Ten in parties is a whole different person. Him constantly switching between his cute persona and his teasing persona was, for real, really tiring these days.  
«We should left. », he laughed, almost crying in the process.  
«Yeah ? »  
«Oh ? » , he straightened up suddenly, raising his eyebrows. «I didn't thought you'll say that. »  
«What was I supposed to say exactly ? » , _it's not like I can pretend that I could be away from you, dumbass._  
«I don't know... something like.. Oh, you're crazy Ten. » , he giggled.  
«You're crazy, for real. I like it though. » , I can't really help it, okay ? I'm like that. I'm completely unable to hide what I feel even though I desperately try to do it. It's not like he wasn't used to me teasing him that way, but somehow, that night it was different. I must say that I sounded deadly serious, unlike most of the time. This time it was a bit different, and I think he got it. Since he usually just answer to my jokes and other dumb shit I say with the same type of bullshit without really thinking, and this time, he stayed silent a little bit. With a small, tiny smirk on his face, but no sound coming out from his mouth.  
«Crazy is good, isn't it ? »  
«Absolutely. » , something in the way I had said these words was more telling than anything else, and it was more than enough for him to get what I was trying to say. Which leads us to the next stage of our relationship... this weird, strange period where we were just both... kinda staring at each other like we were doing at this moment on this parking lot. Looking at each other silently & not-so-patiently waiting for the other to say something.  
«Are you trying to flirt ? » , he joked.  
«Maybe. », I said with the same tone. You see, it was enough to lit up something in both of us, but still not enough to actually trigger anything. I guess even stress can't keep me away from my true self for too long. Nothing can actually, neither stress, neither his stupid so-called boyfriend. We both got up, and all of a sudden he was looking very small. It was another kind of moment, when Ten was having this sort of shyness crisis. He was looking down, breathing more heavily than usual, his little nose was sometimes turning red, and he wasn't saying a single word. That's what I meant by “cute persona” earlier. That's the kind of shit he does. He stays silent, makes me think he doesn't care, then suddenly he say this type of stuff, with this type of face, and this type of smirk, biting his lip in this type of way.  
«Try again. »

And I fucking fall apart. 

Every. Damn. Time.


	2. Bad Liar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short update, Johnny is kinda slow but don't worry he's gonne put his shit together soon

**From Ten to Johnny :**   
_you flirt like a 12 yo girl tbh_

**From Johnny to Ten :**  
 _oh god, stfu_

**From Ten to Johnny :**   
_are you mad love ?_

**From Johnny To Ten :**   
_don't_

**From Ten to Johnny:**   
_you didn't say no, lol_

«Jesus...» , that's the word that first came to my mind that morning, re-reading my messages from last night. Was I mad ? Yes, a little bit, to be honest. Was I going to admit it ? Absolutely not. _No fucking way_ , I thought. That was childish, I knew that, but I couldn't help it. I was supposed to be too old for this type of thing, when you're adult and you want something, you just... you just say it. Right ? I guess our situation was a bit different. We weren't supposed to... be that. Even though it never stopped Ten or even anyone to be what they are. And the worst part is, that wasn't even what was worrying me. As if I somehow knew how far I was willing to go for this. Ten is a boy ? Well, that's fine, maybe I'm not totally straight after all, discovering that at 25 is a bit late, but I'm not the only one like that. Ten and I are idols ? Well, that's fine, I don't mind screwing everyone up. What was sending me into a spiral of nonsense was the way he was acting with me. He could have been a girl or anything else, the matter what what he was doing to me. Every issues I was dealing with in my life... they were getting ridiculously small next to that whirlwind of emotion I was feeling.  
«Hey.» , Mark's voice pulled me out from my thoughts, and I put my phone down.   
«Hey, how you're doing ? You feel better ?»  
«Yeah, yeah. Don't worry... what about you ?», oh, I knew I wasn't going to escape it. Mark was drunk last night, but he surely remembered everything we had said.   
«I'm... fine.» , he stood still for a moment, his arms crossed, raising one eyebrow, clearly, he wasn't buying my bullshit at all. «I really am.»  
«If you don't wanna talk, it's okay.»  
«It's not... that I don't wanna talk. There's just nothing to say. »   
«That's not true.» , see, Mark is this type of friend. He's just stating facts, wether you like or not. Without forcing it on you, he's just saying it. It was the first time that it had really happened to me, the truth getting stuck in my throat like that. Even though it's sometimes hard for me to say how I feel, it never lasts too long, because... Well, because I can't contain my feelings, usually. But at that moment, and for the first time, I felt trapped.   
«Listen, I don't know. I'm not gonna go and ask him if he's... anyway. »  
«Well, maybe not like that.»  
«Wait, you really think I should ask him ?»  
«No.. I mean, you it's up to you to decide, but... I'm your friend. And I don't know... I try to put myself in your shoes, I don't know what made you think that maybe... you know. But you surely have your reasons, right ? It's fine, don't tell me why. But... whatever made you feel like something is going on, that was real, isn't ?», I was almost a little angry at him for confronting me with my contradictions. And then, I thought again about that time in the restaurant. Now, it was getting all blurry, and only the sensation remained. That unpleasant, anxious feeling of being suffocated. Mark and I didn't talk about that any more that day, it was Saturday, and usually it was the only day of the week where I was just laying I in my bed thinking about nothing, but that day, I was abnormally agitated. I couldn't rest, and I couldn't quite decide if I wanted to talk to someone or not seeing anyone. In fact, my thoughts were all on one person, and I knew very well who it was, even though I was constantly trying not to think of his name in my head. The thing is, I told you, Ten and I are magnets. Even when he wasn't around, he was somehow always finding a way to be here, and it was around then that I started to realize how much I was thinking about him almost all the time. And that was really embarrassing. I was getting paranoid, to put it plainly. I felt like everyone else had realized it except ... well, except me. And since I'm often THIS person, it reinforced my idea.

The day was ... it was something. Around noon, I decided to go for a run, something I absolutely never do on Saturdays. Running made me feel a bit better, but it didn't really last. As I was about to return home, my phone rang. 

**From Ten to Johnny :**   
_that's us  
[imaged attached]_

It was a picture of some giant dog and a tiny little kitten... kinda accurate. Ten really loves animal memes, and if I usually love when he's sending me random shit like that, that day, it ruined everything I had tried to do which was : stop thinking about something I couldn't solve anyway. But I told you, nothing can keep me away from my true self, and I love cute things. That picture was cute. He was cute for sending me this. That's it. So I smiled at my phone like a moron, standing in front of the door without opening it. 

**From Ten to Johnny :**   
_mark told me you went out ? I'm at the studio, if you wanna come_

**From Johnny to Ten :**   
_sure, coffee ?_

**From Ten to Johnny :**   
_yesss_

On the way to the studio, I tried in vain to convince myself that I wasn't totally stupid for just trying to get Ten out of my mind. To be clear, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, and life was rubbing it into my face in the worst possible way. I couldn't make up my mind, and I was constantly swinging between "don't do it" & "do it". I stopped at our favorite cafe, then I headed to the dance studios, Ten was always in the same one. As I walked down the hallway from where I was standing I could see him moving in the mirror. I slowed down slightly, more and more until I almost stopped, staring at his reflection. I remember very clearly what I thought, _it should be illegal_. And I let that thought sinking into my mind, I didn't do anything to stop it, I didn't even tried. It's pretty symptomatic of the type of side effect his presence has on me, it's useless to even try to run away, and I was slowly starting to realize it. After a little while, he looked up, seeing me in the mirror, a wide smile started to spread on his face, and I finally opened the door.  
«Hey ! » , he said, almost out of breath.   
«Still training ? »  
«Huh, I'm bored. » , I handed him the iced coffee I was holding, and then we both sat down on the floor by the door. At this time of the day, in general, everyone was eating. What do you do when you're bored ? You're staring silently at your bedroom wall ? Well, when Ten is bored, he's getting creative. See, one of my favorite thing in the world is seeing Ten dancing, when he's alone, when he doesn't have anyone to tell him that it should be more this or that. When it's only him and his own creativy, that's when Ten is the best. «What ? » , he asked, seeing I wasn't answering.  
«Huh ? »  
«You're not saying anything, that's weird. » , he took one sip of his coffee, then turned around towards me, his head resting against the wall, slightly tilted. He was looking _dangerous_ , for real. «Something's wrong ? » , I unconsciously started biting my bottom lip, then I realized I was doing it when I saw that he was weirdly staring at this part of my face. A sort of strange tension was rising up in this dance studio, and I'm sure he felt it just like me.   
«Ten. »  
«Yes ? »   
«How do you know you're gay ? » , I had said all this in a whisper, without catching my breath. You might think it's more of a trap than a way out, but at the time, that was enough to justify my attitude. I was fully aware it wasn't going to last, but I tried not to think about it on the moment. He raised his eyebrows, opened his mouth a little bit, then his lips curved in a smile.   
«John... you scared me. » , he said, laughing, and I did the same.  
«Sorry. »  
«Well... how do you know you're straight ? » , I mentally facepalmed. Of course, it made perfect sense, but in my situation, it was just utterly ridiculous. And if you're wondering, no, I ain't done with embarrassing myself in front of him yet. I didn't respond to what he said, and he got up to throw away his empty coffee. As he was walking in my direction again, I was feeling his gaze on me, waiting for a response. Then he stopped, and I heard a very distinct little _Oh_ coming out of his mouth. «You're don't know if you're straight. »

It was not a question, it was an observation. He just stated it, just like that. Then he let out a small laugh before sitting down right in front of me, with his legs folded against his chest. He was looking at me, a little grin on his face, I could see he didn't wanted to speak, and that he wanted _me_ to say it, but I wasn't sure how to say it.   
«Welcome to the club. » , he joked, trying to make me a little more comfortable. I let out a small chuckle, still not looking at him though.   
«I don't know... to be honest. »   
«You're the only one who can know that. »  
«Yeah, I know. »   
«Is it... someone ? » , oh, I remember thinking at that moment that he really had a slappable face, with his beaming little smile that was looking more and more like a smirk, he started to bit his lip as if he already knew.   
«No. »  
«Yes. »  
«Ten ! »  
«You're a bad liar, don't you know that ? » , he was trying really hard not to laugh, and I must say that... I was trying too. I wanted to burst out laughing but I couldn't.   
«Shut up. » , I finally said.   
«Well, there's many ways to be sure. »  
«Huh ? »  
«I don't know, get yourself a boyfriend ? » , _right, we're getting there_ , I thought. Me, with a man. That wasn't something traumatizing for me at all, it was just the fact that it was him...   
«By the way, you have a boyfriend, right ? » , I said, not-so-subtly trying to talk about something else. His little nose scrunched up right away in annoyance, _cute._  
«I'm having a good day, let's not talk about him. » , we both laughed at the same time, but unlike me, he seemed a little sad.   
«I mean.. you don't have to. But you can, you know ? »  
«Don't be overdramatic. He's just an ass. » , I didn't like this passive possessiveness that was taking hold of me. Of course no one likes it when their friends are being hurt, it's normal, I know, but this time was different for obvious reasons. I suddenly remembered what Mark had told me the day before, that it was stressing me more than it should. I mean at this point I was aware that something was going on, but I'm kinda slow on these type of things... 

You'll find out soon enough.


	3. I'm Not "Any Other Guy"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a small flashback with Ten's POV, reminiscing the moment he came out to Johnny

«Ten ?»

Oh, it was the kind of moment I hated the most. That kind of suspicious, deceptively sympathetic tone. I didn't just hate it, it was also causing me a terrible stress and I cannot handle stress very well. I guess it's just how I am, it shows on my face, every little thing I think is readable on me. Maybe it's a way to fill the empty place left by my difficulty at telling the truth. That day, he had surely noticed it, the way I suddenly stopped in my motion, which left me in a very uncomfortable position, half naked standing in the doorway of the bathroom. God only knows why he picked this moment to tell me, when I asked him he just said that it crossed his mind at this moment.   
«Yeah ?» , my voice was shaking, as I was trying to hide my body with my shirt, suddenly overwhelmed by waves of this very special, suffocating type of shame.   
«Hum... I wanted to talk to you.. about... something... If you don't mind.» , he was standing in front of me, a towel messily wrapped around his waist, looking at me like he was the one who was supposed to be scared.  
«What's wrong ?» , I asked, stiffling a small laugh, trying to hide how terrified I was.  
«No ! No, really not. I just... hum.. well» , the way he was hesitating made my blood boiling and exploding in one second. It looks like me, I must admit, to go from 0 to 100 in a couple of seconds, but this time it was even worst.  
«Can you just say it ?» , I blurted out, and he stopped talking. I couldn't see his face cause I was miserably staring at my feet, but I mentally pictured his face, and it made me sick to my stomach.   
«Sorry...» , _oh no. Don't be sorry, don't_. «Well, I just wanted to tell you that I'm totally fine with you being... gay. Or bisexual, or whatever. I'm not saying you are but this is a thing that I think we should talk about since we're friends and you should feel safe with me and.. and.. Ten ?» , I hadn't understood half of what he had said, it was the time when he was still speaking english too fast for me to catch every little detail, but strangely, that never stopped us from communicating. There was just something on his face that made me realize that I was safe here, and then I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks without being able to stop them. I didn't say anything, not a single word, I was just standing there still hiding from his gaze behind my crumpled shirt, completely drowning myself in my own tears. «Ten ? Oh my god... don't cry ! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry !» , he said when he realized I was crying. He was now all agitated, constantly repeating that he was sorry, fidgeting all around, not knowing what to do of both of his hands. They landed on my shoulders, and the touch made me quiver, not for the reason you imagine. I was startled by the touch of his hands, and the sudden closeness, because Johnny is not like that. He wasn't and is still not this type of person, and never ever he had came this close to me before. I was just so sure he would leave me, that when he didn't, I just... fell apart. «Excuse me... I'm stupid... I thought... I just wanted to tell you that's it's okay... I'm dumb, it's my fault.» Like some kind of magnet, my head just fell on his shoulder, and he let his hand on mine, gently rubbing circles on my skin. Silent and muffled tears were sliding on his chest, I was feeling so incredibly small and vulnerable, completely exposed. And he just covered me, he wrapped me up and who could have told me that he will never let me go for the years to come ? On the moment, I held on to him so strongly, in the fear of a breakup. I wasn't even scared of him outing me, I was just scared of him _leaving me_.  
«Ten.» , he called weakly in the crook of my neck. It wasn't a question, he just called me. Still silent, I raised my head slowly, though I was still looking down. «It's okay. You're safe with me. We don't... we don't have to talk about it, but I just wanted to let you know that you'll always have me. » , and then suddenly, he brought his hand to my hair and started stroking them softly, see, it was the type of thing he was doing with pretty much everyone younger than him... but not me. Johnny is like that, sometimes it's hard to follow. Especially at the time when I didn't knew him well yet, but that's how he is. He's not expressing his feelings like me, in a fucking tsunami of emotions. His love is hidden, and his affection is quiet. And at this moment, I didn't knew it yet, but he had let me in. 

After that, we didn't speak anymore. I finally stopped crying, and we ended up in the shower stall together, as we had planned at the beginning. Obviously, I was terrified. I couldn't even look at him or touch him even if it was just an involuntary touch, if it had happened I would have collapsed. And yet he was acting perfectly normal. Without forcing the door, he stayed in front, he waited for me. He didn't hide, he didn't look away, he just stayed there with me. We laid together on the same bed, and he wasn't either close or far away. He was just facing me, I still have this memory of his face, he looked so peaceful, like he had nothing to fear. Like everything was perfectly normal, and soon, I felt it too. The serenity he was radiating, I felt like everything was _perfectly normal_.   
«Ten ?»  
«Yeah ?»  
«Are you okay ?» , it was a real question. Some people ask this just to say they asked it, but they don't actually mean it. Johnny meant it, he always does. I wanted to cry, I almost did, but I don't really know why, I didn't. I held back the tears, and at the moment I opened my mouth, they were just gone.  
«Yeah... »   
«But ? »  
«Nothing... it's just... » , I paused at this moment, taking a deep breath. «Any other guy would have run away. »   
«I'm not any other guy. » , a little smile started to spread on both of our faces, a bit like a secret code, a confirmation.   
«I know. » 

_I know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it wasn't planned, but I thought it was cute, so here it is


	4. Found You !

Sometimes I forget to breathe and wonder why my head is suddenly spinning, you know, this type of feeling. Well now, I was well aware that something was going on. I was actually kind of hyper-aware of everything, in a way that never happened to me before. I felt like every word was hitting me, every little breath felt like a hurricane, and the light behind that closed door was getting brighter and brighter. Opening it was all I needed to do, but it was the hardest thing. So in the meantime, I was just playing around with the handle. It had been a few days since I had confessed to Ten that maybe I wasn't totally straight. And if Ten has trouble telling the truth out loud, he is completely incapable of hiding it. It shows in his face, it just shows. And Ten knew something was going on. He was pushing my limits a little further every time, step by step, we were both walking to... somewhere. There is a very subtle difference between him showing off and teasing, and him trying to get what he wants. And here , he was trying to get something, something from me. It wasn't just that he was looking at me in a certain way anymore, he was looking at me like he meant it. And sometimes we were looking at each other like that, so close, so close to breaking but not doing it. He was pulling on that thread over and over again, without ever breaking it, his finger was constantly on the trigger, without ever pushing on it.   
«What ? »  
«Nothing. » , he said, giggling while hiding his face with his hand, faking cuteness in an actual... cute way. «You're funny. » , see ? That's what he was doing. And it was oh, so annoying. And at the same time, it was so fast that I could never really hold on to it. I'm not like that, I don't do it like that, usually. But Ten IS like that, so I had to adjust, and it was taking a little bit of time.   
«You think so ? »   
«Yeah. » , I had my back turned on him, but I could clearly see him smiling, actually smirking. This is the kind of moment that I strangely enjoy with Ten, when he takes the lead, or more like, when I let him take the lead. Sometimes it just happens, I just let him doing what he wants of me, and I _like_ it. Now it looks like that, but at this moment, I felt more like a clown than anything else, to be honest.   
«Do you know that you're like, extremely annoying right now ? »   
«You like it. »   
«Unfortunately for me, I guess I kinda like it.» , I admitted, finally turning around to face him. Currently holding a very fragile plate in my hands, it's like he knew I could have broke down here, at this precise moment. So he stayed quiet until I closed the drawer.  
«You seem stressed.»   
«I am.»   
« I'm not trying to tell you what you should feel, you know... but you really shouldn't be stressing this much. Being gay.. or anything else, isn't that bad.»  
« Yeah, to be honest, I still don't know. I do want to know, I just... I don't know.», he let out a soft and most sincere chuckle, then started to walk to the kitchen where I was standing.   
«Don't drive yourself insane.» , _the nerve_ ... I thought. I suddenly remembered our early years together, and I realized how much we had changed. I was the oldest, and I was the leader... most of the time, and here I was crumbling over every little thing he was saying to me. He's still as fragile, and I'm still as proud, but sometimes time just stops, and everything get upside down.   
«What ?» , I asked.   
«Huh ?»  
«You're smiling like an idiot. » , that made him smile even more, he even laughed a little bit. That's a Ten's habit, he just muffles his laugh in his hands, pretending he's actually shy, which makes it hard to tell when he IS getting shy and when he is not. Currently, it was impossible to tell.   
«Can't I just be happy ?» , ... again, the nerve. «What's so funny ?»  
«I'm not laughing.»  
«But you clearly want to.» , indeed, I had just said this with a wide, stupid grin on my face. All of a sudden I had a flash of memory of that moment in the dance studio, and how tense we both were, just looking at each other. It made my heart twist in my chest in a very weird, pleasant way. Ten was slowly but surely getting close of what he wanted, and I knew he was running right into me. For some reasons, I didn't move. I stayed still, waiting for us to collide. «Something's going on Johnny ?» , it's the kind of thing you know is wrong, you know you shouldn't, you know it's stupid, but you do it anyway. Ten is very smart, and he was very aware of the mess he was getting into, but he did it anyway. I said Ten is fragile, and it's true, and he often falls apart, but sometimes this weakness turns into a weapon, for better or for worst. It makes him do things the bravest man wouldn't do, it's almost like he's going blind, and suddenly he turns into a fearless mess. I remember hearing his mother saying it was because he has _too much_ water in him, sometimes Ten is running wild, and nothing can really stop him. And this day, I saw it coming, I was going to get caught in his waves. My silence was vain, I knew it wouldn't change anything, but still, something was keeping me quiet. «Something's going on. » , he repeated, and this time, it wasn't a question. He was sitting at the other side of the counter, looking up at me, still standing with another plate in my hands. I put it down, just in case. «Are you gonna keep staring at me forever ?» , see, this right here was Ten saying to me _do something before I do it myself_. And I got the message in the clearest possible way. I just know it when he's trying to trigger me, _I know it_.

I was still not saying a single word, I turned off the water, then I turned around, and it lasted a few seconds, we looked at each other one last time, like a last validation before we really switched on the other side. It felt like a _Are you sure ?_ type of look. It's very strange moment, considering everything we had been through before. As weird as it sounds, all of this was gone by then. It was like we had no history together, all the past slipped away at the very first step I took in his direction. I wasn't thinking about my best friend, or the idol, or the man. I was just seeing us, right there, right now, us and nothing else. And for the first time in my life, everything was only up to me. He poured all of him all at once, fiercly drowning both us, it was like a cascade, an intense rush of every little repressed feeling we had kept inside for years. The moment he reached out, I remember thinking it was cute the way he wasn't so sure of himself anymore now, he was shaking all over under his clothes, I felt it when he crashed against me. I don't know who pulled the other first, we both collapsed at the same time. He was holding me like I could leave him here, half hanged on my lips, like I could say no at the very last minute. You know, that's a thing that fascinates me so much with Ten, his incredible and reckless ability to let go. I wondered, _how can you trust me so blindly ? How can you be so sure I'm not gonna let you fall ?_ I don't know how he's doing this, no matter how many times he gets hurt in the shipwrecks, he keeps going back to the sea.  
«Johnny... », he called in between my lips. His voice was weak, all of his body was weak, I felt like I could just step back, and he would collapse right away. Of course I didn't. I held him close, oh, so close. He was burning against my chest, he got me melting all over in the most vulnerable way, it had never happened to me before, but something inside of me was telling me that I could trust him. His hands all tangled up in my hair made me feel like I was wasting my honor... I smiled against his lips when I thought about it, _I'm wasting it happily then._ He was standing on his tiptoe, desperately seeking for more warmth. I couldn't stop smiling, how his little hands didn't seemed to know where to land, from my shoulders to my waist to my neck, every place they were able to reach. And he was continuously calling me between his kisses, like quiet whispers against my skin. Arched over the kitchen counter, I didn't realize I was almost crushing him. When I did, I started to back up without ever letting go of him, but he pulled me back against him. His leg raised on mine, almost circling my hips, I was this close to break down completely, but for some reasons, I managed to stay composed. I don't know what came over me, but a wave of lucidity overwhelmed me. I became ultra-aware, every touch was almost burning me, but every time, his stream was putting out the fire. And it went on and on without any break, at any time. He let out a little gasp of surprise when I finally lifted him up, holding him tight against me. The surprise left his body soon enough, he wrapped his legs around me, I remember thinking he was completely crazy.   
«You're crazy...» , the words left my mouth before I could even think about it. I felt his lips curving against my neck, then a little chuckle escaping his mouth, slightly pulling on my hair a little more like he was trying to fight for some sort of dominance. _Funny_ , I thought. Funny indeed. All along, as I was walking not-so unconsciously to the hallway that was leading to his bedroom, he was holding on to me, his arms around my shoulders, possessively keeping me against him. That was clear enough, and I know it now, it was already so obvious. At the moment I felt like I was completely spiraling, but I really wasn't. I was standing still, completely rooted in the ground, but unaware of it. He claimed me at this very moment, and I did the same, it just felt so... so unreal, and the euphoria of finding myself was blinding me, I didn't realize it, but at this moment, I already _knew._

He gasped in surprise -again- when his back hit his bedroom door, still clinging firmly to me, I could even feel his nails through my shirt, and I wasn't even worried about the possible scratches. He pressed his hips against mine once, then twice, then I stopped counting. He was trying really hard to keep control, but we both knew that he wasn't succeeding at all. I'm not any better than him, I just look calmer, it doesn't mean I am. And Ten knows it, of course. He knows the quietness that I fake, and he knew what he was doing, pulling on my hair and biting my lip over and over again. It was even a bit scary, how he knew me so well already when it was the first time he was ever touching me. He already knew every inch of me, I felt it when he roamed his hands on my back, slipping his fingers under my shirt, his skin was freezing cold and yet it burned me all over. As soon as he was back on his feet, it felt like he was suddenly disappearing under me. He was so small against me, between my arms circling him against this door, he wasn't as confident now. I told you, sometimes Ten gets suddenly all shy, and he melts completely, and he doesn't know what to say anymore, just whispering incoherent shit while trying to keep his eyes open. I don't know what he was trying to do at the time, he was probably about to open his bedroom door, but his hands met mine instead of landing on the handle. Slowly, carefully but strongly holding both of his hands in mine, I raised his arms up on his head, and he followed my motion without any resistance. It felt like a kind of authorization, an agreement coming from both of us about where we wanted to stand, and he was standing _against this door_. When I got closer to him, lifting his arms like that, it made his shirt raising a little on his stomach, exposing a bit of his skin, I felt it thought I couldn't see it. He choked on his breath when our hips collided once again, and the time after, a little moan escaped his lips. Subtle, quiet, shivering against my mouth, but I heard it and then... Just as another moan was about to slip between his lips, a thud echoed through the apartment. I pulled away from his lips slowly, and as I regained my senses and my breath, the voices coming from the hallway became clearer and clearer.  
«I tell you he's here ! He probably fell asleep ! » , someone said, I couldn't tell who it was. I looked at Ten, still against the door, he was totally zoning out.   
«Ten ? » , I called, and he finally looked up. They were still talking out there, and then Ten's phone started ringing, it was Lucas. «Did you.. you left the keys on the door ? » , I said, huffling a little laugh.   
« Fortunately I did. » , he snapped back with a little grin on his face, then he finally picked up his phone. «Stop calling me I'm awake, wait a second. » , he said, probably to Lucas. After that, he slipped under my arm and left to open the door for them, I could already hear the cats meowing in the living room and all of a sudden the apartment which was silent was filled with noise.

I could hear Lucas and Ten talking to each other, Kun being angry because Ten was late, and I was still there, unable to move. Arms crossed over my chest, I was awkwardly staring at his bedroom door without realizing it.  
«Johnny ?»  
«Hum.. oh, yeah. Hey Lucas.» , he was staring at me, visibly annoyed for some unknown reasons, but still smiling, like he always does. Probably a bit surprised too.   
«I said Ten is in the living room. We came to pick him up, we're gonna leave... hum...»  
«Oh yeah, sure. Sorry, I was zoning out. » , When I arrived in the living room, it was almost as if I had turned invisible. I think it was one of the strangest moments of my life, it didn't felt right. Yet, here there were only people I knew and liked, but for some reason, I wasn't fitting right in this scenery. They were all bickering together as Ten was hurrying to get ready, suddenly, I felt a bit guilty. Yeah, cause I knew what he had done instead of actually getting ready. I rarely feel alone, in general. Maybe because I find it easy to talk with people, but there and for the first time, I felt completely alone. In this mess, I was seeking for a presence, _found you_.   
«Sorry... we're gonna leave soon. I call you tonight, okay ?» , he said as we was putting on his shoes. I agreed silently, after one last glance that confirmed what I already knew, I left. 

**From Ten to Johnny :**   
_please tell me you don't regret it_

**From Johnny to Ten :**   
_I hope you don't regret it, I'm sorry, I'm dumb_

Sent and opened at the same time, leaving me smiling like an idiot in the middle of the street. God, I felt so dumb, and I liked it so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *furiously reminiscing that one video where Ten found Johnny back on stage and directly ran to him*


End file.
